‘One to three seconds’

February 8, 2013 § Leave a comment

police_tapeBELOW: AN ALMOST POETICALLY RENDERED  anonymous comment to a post at Second City Cop, regarding the Milwaukee County Sheriff’s call to citizens to exercise their responsibility toward themselves and their families to get armed and trained in handling a weapon.

We’ve tweaked the format a bit, but have preserved the author’s original wording and unique voice.


     THE HOMICIDE DETECTIVES (I was one of their sergeants for years) will be there after it is all over and you are forever dead, to count the entrance and exit wounds on your lifeless corpse.

Then they will interview witnesses, family members, neighbors etc.

If there is a known or suspected subject or subjects, they will make a very good attempt to find him/her/them.

After which they will sit down at their computers and write a beautiful report of your untimely passing.

After that they will go and get something to eat, lamenting the fact that you are dead and the offender is still “in the wind.”

They will follow it up tomorrow.

The evidence techs will collect any spent shell casings, blood samples, DNA samples, etc.

They will photograph and diagram the entire crime scene, showing your lifeless body, front and center.

Then they will go and get something to eat.

Then they will go to their office and make out their report listing you, the victim, as either Joe Shit, for example (if your name is known by then) or as John/Jane Doe if not.

Your local county coroner/medical examiner will send out one of his representatives to make the official pronouncement that YOU ARE DEAD.

Then they will go and get something to eat. After which they will make out some report indicating that you are forever gone and will never enjoy pizza/wings/pasta/etc. again.

Then you will go to your county morgue, where the next day one of your local coroner/medical examiner’s butchers will slice and dice your lifeless corpse like a dead cow in an attempt to determine “Cause of Death,” which in most cases was obviously apparent to all as “Lead Poisoning,” but will be described as


Then he/she will go and get something to eat. After which he/she will make out your very own Death Certificate.

You will never get a copy.

(In Crook County Illinois, neither will the Board of Election Commisioners. Whatever you may have been in life, you will vote straight Democrat from then on.)

All of this could have been easily avoided had you been aware of the fact that when the police are 2, 5, 10 or 20 minutes away, 1 or more shots from your revolver (if you had had one) would have taken no more than 1 to 3 seconds to make things right.


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