King of Us

August 7, 2012 § 1 Comment

A BUSINESSPERSON OPENS a Burger King franchise. He hires managers whose resumes state they are experienced, accomplished, and ethically blameless. All personnel sign a mandatory Employee Pledge to uphold every rule in the Employee Manual and a strict Code of Conduct.

But while the owner is away on business, things go terribly awry.

On a typical day, a spy might catch the employees breaking just about every rule in the book.

The shift manager is nowhere to be found. (Unbeknownst to you, he and an attractive female cashier are “gettin’ busy” in the Burger King bathroom.)

The general manager, who’s off duty, cannot be reached by anyone.

Meanwhile, the employee designated to stand outside the restaurant in a “King” outfit, handing out coupons, is frequently disappearing behind the garbage dumpster to take hits off what looks like a crack pipe.

Then he gets it in his head to go jump in to the midst of traffic, stopping cars driven by elderly ladies and demanding they get out so he can strip-search them.

After thus assaulting the grandmothers for a time, he heads to neighboring homes and begins intoxicatedly banging on doors, attempting to pick the locks with a screwdriver, asserting he is “the King” and he has the right to “search the premises” for criminals or contraband.

Meanwhile the crew indoors is kickin’ it with their homies who can drop in and get freshly prepared, tasty burgers, fries, and other goodies for free. However, when actual paying customers come in, the employees toss them bags of nasty food that’s undercooked or burnt to a crisp, or heaped with salt so as to be inedible.

As they start breaking open the malt liquor and MD 20/20, they start getting really sloppy — and more brazen. Eventually they’re all-out looting the registers and supplies, loading whatever they can into their cars and their friends’. At this point, any unfortunate would-be customer who wanders in simply gets his money grabbed and gets commanded to leave. Should the victim become irate, the employees simply jump him, pistol-whip him, and shove him out the door.

Other customers they shoot dead.

Then they split the customer’s money, jewelry, and clothes amongst themselves.

Meanwhile, the “King,” unable to get any neighboring home dwellers to allow him to ransack their homes, turns to kicking in the doors. If the inhabitants resist, he informs them:

 

“WE ARE BUSHBAMA, KING OF US!”

 

and then he pulls a sawed-off shotgun out of his robe and blasts them in the face.

NOW IMAGINE THAT the Burger King owner is you.

And that these armed, dangerous, and deranged murderers are, in fact,  your employees.

Where the hell are you, anyway?

Why aren’t you minding your store?

And what are you going to do to stop this insane clown posse from raping, looting, stealing and killing — in your name, and with your money?

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